when you are grieving

When you are grieving do not search for four-leaf clovers, little charms that might staunch the flow and ease the pain. Little grass-strewn stars that might say, ‘we’ve made a mistake; your fate was meant for another.’ When you are grieving you have to drag your chains, scrape your knuckles, sit in the biting ants. 

No one wants to do this.

Sit and the sting will pull the wretched out of you. Seek no shade and the beating sun will burn your hope, and your fear of losing it. 

Do not chatter or explain, speak with the heart to someone who also knows about the clovers.

Someone who won’t offer you a cool drink or a key or salve or saving, someone who will look you in the eyes while your heart bleeds.

If it is only you abide in what comes, and weep perhaps to the hidden clovers.

siren thrush

This morning the thrush's song
beckoned me into the woods,
my own kindly siren.

I knew Circe's warning,
the coming destruction. But
I went gladly, without
lashing or waxed ears.

Her voice pulled me along
the path,
to my demise. And indeed

I was thrashed against the
rocks of my grief, wrecked
on the sharp edges of my sorrow.

The hull of my Self was torn
apart- there was I lost,
among reeds and mud and
willows.

That which rose to leave
   (for rise it did)
the woods was Nothing. A
resonant casing, a blessed ship
of sound-

the leaves, the brook, the robin.

Over the path back bent
hemlocks, their knowing
arms, feathery fingers nodding
   softly-
      home,

home.

haiku from martin's brook

meltwater rushing,
the roaring din of its voice.
still, how still the rocks.

the crabapple

How do I explain,

when I watch the branch of a crabapple

nodding in the gentle breeze,

that I feel it through the window.

Her twigs and leathery leaves

play across my cheek, just here.

Please, this is no metaphor;

understand that the air is my

body, and also the tree.

The eyes of myself are watching

my thin, branching arm

bob in the wind, my own breath.

By understand I mean 

stand under, which 

only your body can do.

If your fingers are (and they are) 

the wind, tell me- whose

cheek? whose feathers?

What craggy mountaintop

would you feel, suddenly,

like iron on your lips?

this and that

There is a desk before me.

On it are piles of paperclips, 

a highlighter bouquet in a baby food jar.

Small stacks of paper, a box of beads,

a turtle shell filled with drill bits, twist ties.

A stapler,

this and that.

These things consume me,

their correct configuration.

I slide them first here, these with those,

then there, each thing alone. 

I rearrange, and rearrange, and rearrange. 

Above the desk there is a window. 

Outside it is a craggy tree,

a jay, a rose-colored mountain, 

falling snow, a red squirrel hurrying by.

 A chickadee,

this and that.

about the houseplants

At least, when they whither,

There are crumpled leaves to pick off.

I only notice them when there is nothing else to do.

My nurturing is an after thought, almost a mistake.

Others are, I imagine, cooing gentle angels of growth.

Their fingertips are like root-endings.

What is it, that I can cull, instead of encourage?

The dry, crinkled leaves remind me of crepe,

Or my winter-lips.

I understand the pulling off, the picking, the paring down.

I can feel the rough paper veins shatter

In my own dry palms.

New growth, that is a mystery, and I think

Bother, I shall probably drown you too.

I will worry you to browning.

At least, then, I’ll heed the call.

There must be undertakers, who in

brown and broken leaves

find purpose.

things that i do*

I pay my taxes, I meet Reindeer.

I stroll through the garden of (literally) Eden and turn to gold under an Aspen.

I drink too much wine.

I write a poem to the sunrise, to the hurricane, to the chickadee whose fluff is tousled, who must have met the blackberry.

I grind my teeth, the hangnail is infected again, I stub my toe. I see black ink dripping between my fingers, I spin the red base wheel of spirit.

I plant metaphorical seeds, I ignore the compost and toss the banana peel.

I smudge the corners and forget myself.

I paint a goldfinch, neglect the voicemail, and fall asleep early.

I meet my God in the grout.

*sometime in 2013